I went to see you today- another friend was there too.
you were alert and coherent, telling stories of the card counting days.
the doctor came in and told us all bluntly what’s happening. You started crying. You started searching for other options. I stroked your thigh and pushed your hair out of your face, making sympathetic noises while tearing up. Your other friend edged closer to the door.
You said you wanted to be alone. So we all hugged and kissed you.
An hour and a half later I came back. I climbed into bed with you. We cuddled a bit. You cried and I stroked your face. We got very few details out. I said, “what can I do?” you said, “help me die.” I asked whoever else you wanted around - for now you said no one. just me. You said others didn’t care, that you didn’t care. and then when your face started contorting hard,
when the sobs started escaping,
you told me you need to rest.
"Good night," you said and I respected that.
I put your chapstick in the bin next to your bed and headed home to be alone. Laying in your big bed, popping kolonopin like candy, drinking wine and hoping to pass out early. Idly looking up pricing on apartments in the area, briefly texting curious friends. curious how to apply to have my dog as a service dog. Long moments of overwhelming thoughts of the future, followed by tears, followed by complete numbness.
and this is life, folks. this isn’t the last time I’ll deal with this.
because I cannot say it in a better manner- hey everyone, I need you so much closer. Human interaction, I needs it.